Dear Roll Royce, we here at Luxury4play are big fans of your latest creation, the Cullinan. A big, luxurious, comfortable SUV makes total sense for a brand defined by its big, luxurious, comfortable cars.
Unfortunately, we’re also big fans of your naming conventions. The Wraith, the Ghost, and the Phantom are all excellent names that imply old world luxury and imperiousness.
But the Cullinan, named after a big dumb diamond, breaks with your modern convention of naming cars after spirits. We thought we would humbly apply for the position of autocar nomenclator by suggesting these 10 dope-ass names that would, in our view, better suit the vehicle:
10: Baba Yaga
This Russian gal sits in a mortar, wields a pestle, and lives in a house that stands on chicken bones. With a nose for the so-called “Russian scent” (cabbage), Baba Yaga is a complex character who can appear as a villain or a donor, depending on who’s asking. Since we figure most your buyers are Russian, this ought to appeal to them.
The ads write themselves, frankly. “Casper the friendly family hauler.”
8: The Rolls Royce Agloolik
Cultural appropriation aside (who are we kidding, that’s a requirement for this whole list), this Inuit spirit would be an ideal name because it summons visions of the rugged north, which is pretty much what SUVs are designed to do. It’s also great, because Agloolik lived under the ice and gave aid to anglers and hunters, which, based on Bentley’s special editions, Rolls will be chasing after, too.
7: The Rolls Royce Ouija
Okay, so there might be some trademarking issues, but I’m sure the Parker brothers could be persuaded to let you borrow the name. The best part of this is that Ouija boards contain all the spirits. Guys! All of ’em.
6: The Rolls Royce Axex
Sounds like “axe” but with an extra x so it’s better. Is a falcon-lion hybrid, is a bad ass, should appeal to the falconers who buy these hyper-luxurious SUVs.
5: The Rolls Royce Lizard Person
We all know who can afford Rollses.
4: The Rolls Royce Banshee
Again, there might be some trademark issues to settle with Pontiac here (you’ve got good lawyers, though), but this Irish spirit helps families by gently letting them know when their kin are dead with a shrill howl of death. What could be more comforting? And if a Rolls Royce SUV is howling, something (or someone) is probably about to die. So it feels appropriate.
3: The Rolls Royce Rorag
Alliterations are always appropriate!
2: The Rolls Royce Fetch
In Irish tradition, a Fetch is a supernatural apparition of a living person. And since the Cullinan is just a BMW X7 (before the fact), it feels appropriate. We’re gonna make it happen, Gretchen!
1: The Rolls Royce Rübezahl
This name has everything: an umlaut; alliteration; Germanic roots to suggest the BMW connection; supernatural abilities, named after a giant who shakes the earth with every step; and lives ruggedly in the mountains.
So there you have it, Rolls. You’re welcome. What’s your benefits plan like?